Inšpirácia z newslettra vzťahovej koučky - english
Zdieľam z newslettrov Rori Raye, ktorú zbožňujem.
Here's some interesting psychology about men - they want to make you happy, but they don't want to feel RESPONSIBLE for your happiness.
If you can make yourself happy first, you open the door for a man who wants to make you even happier - FOREVER!
A man falls in love with you because he knows he can be himself around you.
He falls in love with you because he feels SAFE expressing his innermost, private feelings with you.
He knows that you can handle your feelings. He can sense that. And because he senses that at the most unconscious level, he starts to long for your company, for your touch, for your affection. He may not even know why he feels this way.
All he knows is that there's something special about you that he doesn't feel with any other woman in his life. He wants to take you in his arms and keep you forever.
This Is What Happens To A Man...
This is the "secret psychology" I mention in the subject line of this email.
I say it's a secret because it's little-understood by women (AND men). It's rare either you or he will know exactly WHY he feels mesmerized by you and wants to get close to you and pursue you for something serious and long-lasting.
Many of us are wrong about why a man falls in love.
We think a man needs sex, or has to have a fabulously gorgeous woman with a great body. We think a man falls for us because we're sweet to him, and kind, and giving. ESPECIALLY giving.
So we do things for him:
- We cook lovely meals and offer deep, thoughtful advice on whatever troubles him. We light candles whenever he comes over. We put on our sexiest clothes and buy lacy lingerie.
- We become exclusive with him without even a passing thought to what WE want, or whether or not he has met our needs yet for a secure, loving and committed relationship.
- We give our bodies, our souls, our minds to him.
And STILL he tells us that he's not sure how he feels. Or he becomes distant and moody. Or he stops calling or asking us out as often as he used to.
Or he does something very hurtful, or cheats on us, or tells us that he doesn't believe you're "meant" to be together.
This happens because deep down, you didn't trigger love in his HEART. You didn't connect on the deepest, most intimate level... his feelings.
So, How Do You Connect With A Man's Feelings?
I'll tell you briefly what DOESN'T connect to him.
When you tell a man about what you think about the relationship, or what you did that day, or what you think of the latest news you've read or the gossip at work, he listens. He participates in the conversation.
But his feelings aren't triggered.
And so you chatter on about your life, but leave out the one part that would drop you suddenly into intimacy: Emotions.
You share everything but who you are.
You put up walls with him without even knowing you're doing it. You decide not to tell him the sorrow you felt that morning about something. You omit admitting how the spring air made you feel alive and free when you went for a walk at lunchtime.
Or... you actually don't even pay attention to your own emotions. You're too busy with your to-do lists and tasks and with the chatter of everyone else around you in your life. You worry a lot. You make plans in your head for the next moment, the next day, or the weekend.
But if you were to allow yourself to FEEL what you're feeling, and then speak from those feelings, you would make him feel safe and connected to you.
It Seems Like Such A Simple Thing...
But for so many of us, it's such a counter-intuitive thing. It's difficult. We're not used to being juicy, sexy, FEELING creatures.
So many of us are programmed to be DOING, THINKING, MANAGING, WORRYING.
And these are the qualities that make a man feel nothing around you. These are the qualities that make him think of you more like a "friend" than his lover.
Change Your Vibe And Watch Him Fall
When you become a feminine, juicy, sensual FEELING creature, you become what I call a "siren" around a man. You magnetize him simply by being what you were always meant to be... an alluring woman who is soft on the outside, but strong and resilient on the inside.
The Subtle Forms Of Chasing That Completely Squelch A Man's Romantic Interest In You
Have you ever done something "innocent" with a man - thinking it would bring him close - but then he completely pulled away from you?
I don't mean sleeping with him. Just the opposite.
I mean, for instance, that you let a man spend the night on your couch because it got late after your date - or it was raining or snowing hard - and you felt bad about sending him home. Or maybe he even slept in the same bed with you, but nothing "happened."
In your head, this made "sense." You wouldn't kick your girlfriend out late at night, and in bad weather, especially if she lived far away.
You reasoned that telling your date to go home was rude, especially if he bought you dinner and treated you well.
After all, you really liked this guy. He seemed different - as if you could really trust him. And he really seemed to appreciate all that you are. He also seemed to respect the fact that you didn't want to sleep with him yet.
Are You Too Nice With Men?
Were you the kid in class who always ended up doing all the work in team projects? And are you the friend people know they can always count on?
When you are responsible and a do-gooder, you run the greatest risk of doing what I call "Overfunctioning" in a relationship. When you Overfunction, you end up carrying a relationship all on your own. A man has no need to chase you or take any responsibility for moving your relationship forward. And then you end up overworked, bitter, frustrated, and even ANGRY.
You can stop this now and turn things around. I want you to know what it feels like to be able to relax in a relationship and have all the love, romance, and commitment you want:
Do Less In A Relationship and Get MoreBut then the next morning, the vibe completely changed. He was awkward, and it felt like the two of you were strangers.
What happened?
Surprise! You Chased Him, And You Didn't Even Know It
Dating a man can be so frustrating. Even infuriating.
You do something that feels "right" to you, and then suddenly he gets all weird and distant.
How could it be that letting a man spend the night - without getting intimate - could possibly push him away? Shouldn't he be MORE interested in you now? After all, you gave him a "sneak peek" of what it would be like to be a couple, but you didn't go THERE.
Or was it that he got turned off because you didn't sleep with him? Did you make a mistake?
The reality is that by allowing him to spend the night so quickly, you created a sense of familiarity that destroyed the MYSTERY that is so compelling to a man.
You see, men fall in love with you through a tantalizing combination of thrill and safety. THRILL is what drives men to chase you. THRILL is what you create when you hover just a little beyond their reach.
SAFETY happens when you feel so comfortable expressing your emotions, that a man naturally feels SAFE to express his.
When you combine THRILL and SAFETY, you get MYSTERY. And this is when you get LOVE.
Are You Doing A Man's Job?
At first glance, letting a new man spend the night but not sleep with you SEEMS like you're creating thrill and safety.
You think that by not getting intimate with him, you're staying just beyond his reach so he will want you more. And you think that by having long conversations with him without removing your clothes, you're creating safety.
WRONG! This is how women think, not how men think.
When you let a new man spend the night without getting intimate, you send a completely different message:
- He thinks you do this with every new man
- He thinks you're a pushover, and that you don't have clear boundaries
- He thinks you don't have a life, because you changed your plans to accommodate him
As if these are not bad enough, he thinks he doesn't have to really DO anything to have a relationship with you!
In short, he no longer has to chase you. You did his job for him.
What He Perceives As Chasing
We women have been trained to think that if we sit back and let a man take the lead, he won't!
So we end up doing all sorts of things that amount to chasing. Even though you may not be hunting a man down, asking him out, or throwing yourself at him, see if you might be chasing him in these subtle ways:
- Calling him because you heard or read about something interesting, or because you knew there was a great band playing somewhere, or someone told you about some great event that you want to invite him to.
- Calling to ask why he hasn't called you.
- E-mailing him, texting him, Facebooking him, sending him a cute card, dropping by his house, or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact.
- Asking him how he feels - especially asking him how he feels about you or the relationship.
- Inviting him to come and join you, or in any way acting like the social director of the relationship.
You might cringe when you read these examples, and you may be downright mad. You're a modern woman. You're a good person. Why wouldn't you be friendly and nice to a man just as you do with all your friends?
Because he's NOT your friend!
I'm guessing you don't sleep with your friends, you're not romantic with them, and you don't have children with them.
When we pretend a man is like any other friend, we wind up with men who are not romantic with us.
That's why, when you spend the night with a man without getting intimate - just as you would with a friend - romance goes out the window.
Whenever we switch from BEING to DOING, we automatically shut off the possibility for a man to get close to us.
When we launch into DOING, we actually take away a man's desire and drive to DO for us.
The more you try to get something from him, the less he will be compelled to give to you. And that includes attention, romance, sex, affection, devotion, commitment, and his HEART.
You can cook him a five-course dinner, and this is perfectly fine if you're feeling like he's doing his part in the relationship.
But if you go out of your way to make him an elaborate meal, and then you say, "You know, it would be nice if you finally took me out to dinner sometime," you knock the wind right out of him.
He can tell that you didn't cook for him out of genuinely wanting to give. Instead, he feels manipulated, and he feels like he has failed you.
He will sense your disatisfaction in what he is - or isn't delivering. He just doesn't feel appreciated by you.
You see, a man shows his love for you by DOING things for you. When you start trying to get something out of him by DOING, you're essentially taking his job away. He doesn't feel needed anymore!
A man needs to feel as if he is the one coming towards you. And when a man is coming towards you, it makes you feel safe and secure. It's a win-win for both of you.
That's why, if you want to experience all the love you deserve, it's imperative that you stop all your DOING and start simply BEING.
After going through my own struggles in love, I realized that there was one powerful way to make this happen:
When you learn to tap into your feminine energy, you immediately switch your vibe from DOING to BEING.
And when you make this one switch, everything changes before your eyes. You no longer have to work for love. All you have to do is lean back and watch how love effortlessly comes your way.
Your Words Have The Power To Dissolve Tension And Create Instant Intimacy...
We women are taught to "work" at a relationship, because we assume men don't want to do any work.
We think we need to do more to create the intimacy and connection we want.
The truth is that what does work is being totally authentic, totally you, totally speaking the truth WITHOUT making him responsible for anything you feel - and yet, at the same time keeping your heart completely open and warm to him.
How Men Handle Anger
Men are pretty predictable when it comes to anger, and yet, we women are way more complex.
A man gets angry when he feels bad about himself. He may be feeling ineffectual - that he can't make something happen. That he can't change his circumstances, or help someone, or - most important - make you happy. He may feel like he's always disappointing you. Or...
He may feel guilty because he knows he's done something bad, something that hurt you, something that makes him feel like less of a man. And so he goes right back to the place where he feels ineffectual to make you happy.
He may feel like he screws up all the time (and maybe he does - and I certainly don't want to see you with a man who's always hurting you and disappointing you).
How Anger Coming From Guilt Or Feeling Ineffectual Looks
- He barks
- He blames you for anything he can find, puts you down, attacks you, brings up stuff he knows will push your buttons
- He asks questions he knows will start a fight, trying to provoke you to attack him
- He withdraws
- He gets sullen, quiet, depressed
- He gets sick, tired, fatigued, listless, loses his interest in sex, starts watching TV, buries himself in work, hobbies or friends
- Maybe he starts up with other women
How these responses started happening has nothing to do with you. They're habitual patterns he discovered and used as survival mechanisms when he was growing up. You DIDN'T create this in him. And yet - you're walking into it! You've now become a part of his web of behavior - and everything you do and say is likely to trigger him just like he got triggered long ago.
The same is true for you - he's walking into YOUR web of love patterns - and he likely triggers you all the time, too...
Only the way you respond is likely very different than the way he does. In fact, you may respond in a completely opposite way. So, when you say or do something that triggers him and he does what he's always done, then YOU will feel triggered and do what YOU'VE always done!
If you can learn to watch for your reactions when he responds to a trigger - so that YOU change what YOU do, and do something different - you can turn this whole thing around.
All a man wants is to feel good. He wants to feel like he's not disappointing you. That he's NOT ineffectual. He wants to be your hero.
Only, when he's acting in the ways I've described above, he doesn't seem very heroic to you. And so it's hard to know what to say or do.
We women often make the mistake of HELPING. We somehow think that telling him it's "all alright" will help. When, actually, that just pushes him away! It pushes him even further into the nightmare of feeling "mothered" by you - and so it pushes him back into his old web where he'll get even more triggered.
What you want to do here is respond like a woman from his present, not a woman from his past:
You Don't Want To Go Into His Web...
You want to stay in your emotional space! So, here are some words you can use when you know something isn't going right:
- I'm feeling weird, is there something I should know?
- I'm feeling quiet. (And then you say and do nothing.)
- I'm feeling the silence here... it feels... hard...
- I'm feeling so much anger. I don't know if it's mine or yours.
- Ouch.
- Ick.
- Owww.
- I'm feeling all closed in, some air would feel good (and then you go out for a walk or drive to the market and walk around, or to the nearest coffee house, or the gym...).
- I'm feeling a carnival of feelings inside me all jumping around... I feel terrified that you're mad at me, and I feel furious at you, too.
And Here's The Best Solution...
Get YOURSELF happy. Find out what floats your boat and go do it, then, enjoy the feeling. Feel the feeling:
- Get silly, laugh.
- In his presence: Find all the humor you can in everything. Don't make jokes, just laugh - at things YOU forgot, at things YOU saw during the day.
- Practice enjoying your life regardless of how he's behaving.
Words Count. You can almost heal your own self - and him - with your words and body language, if you know how to use them.
The Top 5 Things That Are Holding You Back From Love
1. Urgency
Urgency happens when your boy energy - your inner Knight in Shining Armor - is going unemployed. He's foundering. You're giving him nothing to do.
The Solutions :
*Adopt a new Mantra - "I have all the time in the world..."
*Circular Date (remember - it's not about "dating" - it's about "free therapy"!) to keep your sanity, to continually remind yourself that there are so many different and amazing people all around you out in the world, to allow you to sink into your deeper feelings, whatever they are (even if they don't feel good, learning to fall in love with every feeling you feel is the most healing thing you can do for yourself...)!
*Find and experience (yes - let your inner boy "DO") the things that create passion in you - artistic things, creative things, volunteer activist things...
*Give your inner boy a task that's meaningful, complex and will get RESULTS!
What happens now is - the urgency fades!
2. NOT doing Circular Dating properly
If you're actually dating: Not doing Online Dating properly technically - with a good photo and profile, and knowing how to handle the emails, calls and "first meetings/dates.".
And if you're in a relationship: Not allowing yourself to be 100 percent open to every man who shows up in your space - wherever you are - and using that opportunity to practice the Tools.
This is something your inner boy will grab onto with all his teeth if you really assign the job to him!
It'll be a true "solution" if you really allow yourself to feel inspired by the idea of preparing to have the love you want, to rekindle the love you have, to fix whatever's going sour right now through circumstances you can't control.
Circular Dating can open up your heart, move your body from a stuck place to a fluid place, create a desire for love, and give you learning experiences you just can't get any other way!
Let your inner boy get you out into the world!
3. Deciding your Biography is your Destiny
Just because it happened to you, just because you or he did or said "that" - no matter how many times - doesn't mean it has to happen again. It doesn't mean you have to "go through that" again.
You get a fresh start every moment.
Go watch the film Groundhog Day (again!). It illustrates the process of learning by baby-steps.
It may take you a thousand false starts and dead-ends to learn where the best next step is for you...and it might take you one day.
The thing is - if you don't take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, if you try to leap ahead (the way Bill Murray does in many of his days) - you're guaranteed to be inauthentic.
And nothing really works when you're not being authentically who you are - however you are. Most important - who really knows who we are? So the process of authenticity is a process of discovery, too...
No leaping! Baby-step-by-baby-step!
4. Seeking to be in charge of LIFE and by so doing stepping down from being in charge of YOU
Here you succumb to the tyrant voices inside your own head and you make them real.
Here, you believe God, The Universe, The "Truth" is speaking to you through your tyrant voices - and yet, our inner voices are all so truly love-starved and frightened, they cannot be the voice of God, The Universe, The Truth.
Instead, Listen to your inner voice. The one you hear when you feel at peace, when you feel "good," when you feel "different," when you feel serene. When you sink into a feeling you have and all of a sudden you feel "rooted." You feel "here."
5. Trying to heal yourself inside by conquering instead of loving yourself
If you don't like the way you feel, or the way you acted, or what you said, or what you thought...the solution is to Fall In Love with it all: With the way you feel, the way you acted, what you said and thought - including all the thoughts and feelings that scream how much they don't LIKE any of it!
If you punish and beat on yourself, what's out there will punish and beat on you, too...because, really, that's the diretion you're giving the "out there."
You have to feel your way through each step along the way
Blame maybe entirely useless - and yet, along with shame and guilt, they're all still parts of YOU! If we don't Fall In Love with all those "useless" parts of ourselves, blame and shame and guilt end up running us from the inside.
Make it your business to become aware of how blame, shame and guilt are operating inside you and making you do and say what you do and say on the outside.
And instead of blaming, shaming and guilting yourself even more for what happened, what you did and said and everything else - including how you feel - instead of trying to conquer all that...just love it as it is.
Accept how it happened. It happened.
Don't try to undo what's been done - instead - focus on being AWARE of what happened, how you felt, what's going on with you, and love the idea of undoing the pattern that makes things repeat themselves.
Be a detective of you.
I know how challenging it is to "stop" judging ourselves.
I am aware of my inner desire to judge myself all day long - and yet, I have the Tools and practice to turn that around every time it comes up into something else that feels better - and effortlessly, seamlessly.
3 Ways To Make Him Miss You Like Crazy
When a man seems distant or just not as concerned about you as he used to be, it can make you feel so afraid and powerless.
You don't want him to slip away. You don't want to feel so insecure.
You want to know what's wrong - if it's you or something else.
Most of all, you want to do SOMETHING to fix things.
Why does it seem so hard to keep a man's attention beyond those early days when he couldn't stand to be away from you?
Now, it seems that something else is always more important - his work, his buddies, his car. You hate to admit this, but when you're apart from him, he doesn't even seem to MISS you.
It hurts.
Yet the more painful aspect of all this is that what you're doing to try to fix things and get him close to you again is actually... pushing him further away.
Working Hard For His Love Never Works
Why You're Drained In Your Relationship
Do you feel that if you don't do the work in your relationship, everything will just fall apart?
What if you did LESS - a lot less - and your man took up the slack and then some. What if you stopped everything you're doing for him and for the relationship?
One of two things will happen: he'll either step up and show you he's the man who'll love you forever, or he'll check out. And if he checks out, it's a GOOD thing. Because you're not meant to live your life exhausted in love. Instead, you are meant to experience the joy of having a man utterly devoted to you.
Getting there is much easier than you think:
Get More Love By Doing LessIf you're anything like me, a man's distance feels like a threat. You want to be front and center in his life. And when it seems like you're not, it's all you can think about.
Suddenly, you start scanning his every move for signs that he just doesn't care about you as much as he used to.
You have an urge to stop him from slipping away, so you start doing all the things you think will draw him in.
You become extra caring, accommodating, and doting. You become low maintenance so he doesn't think you're too much work. You offer to cook for him, rub his back, have more sex. You keep asking him what's wrong. In short, you're doing what I call "Overfunctioning" - working hard for his love.
And yet he never stands up and says, "What a fool I've been! You're the most wonderful woman in the world, and I need to shower you with love forever."
Instead, he gets sully and moody. He becomes annoyed and angry when you try to get close to him. Maybe he even says those dreaded words: "I need space."
Then things get even harder.
Overworked And Underloved
As you do, do, and do for a man, and he pulls further away, something else happens: you become frustrated, bitter, and resentful.
You hate that you're putting so much into the relationship and getting so little in return. You still don't feel like you're #1 in his eyes, no matter what you do.
And that's exactly the problem - all you're DOING!
The things you are doing to entice a man and pull him closer are actually working against you.
Men fall in love with you because of how much they give to YOU, not the other way around. That's why they pull away when you try to fix the relationship by giving.
And then when you become frustrated by his lack of reciprocity, you inadvertently push him away even further - because no man wants to be around a resentful woman.
Don't be hard on yourself, because there's a reason why you're operating this way, and it has to do with assuming that what feels good to you also feels good to a man.
You think:
"I feel good when a man goes out of his way to give to me, so it must work the other way as well."
But it's exactly the opposite.
Undoing What Doesn't Work: The Modern Siren Way
To get what you want, you have to stop doing what isn't working, and retrain yourself to automatically and naturally do what does.
This is the way of what I call the Modern Siren - a woman who naturally and effortlessly compels a man to be near her... without her having to DO anything at all!
This can be SO hard at first, especially when you've been "fixing" your whole life. But stopping is the only way you will start getting the love, romance, and attention you long for. Not fixing may seem like the last thing in the world you want to do, but it's the fastest way to make him feel an uncontrollable desire to be close to you again.
Here are three ways to do it:
Modern Siren Miss-Me Move #1: Lean Back
Close your eyes and think about what it feels like in your body when a man is pulling away from you, or when he just doesn't seem to think about you as much. You probably feel it in your gut - a lurching sensation that just feels heavy and awful.
Now, what's happening in your body when you picture a man pulling away and going further off into the distance? Can you FEEL your body wanting to lean forward and doing anything you can to stop him from going away? This "leaning forward" urgency is what causes a man to feel pressured and cornered. That's why you need to STOP it by doing the opposite: leaning BACK.
Modern Siren Miss-Me Move #2: Redirect Focus
What's happening when you want a man's attention - and when you want it desperately? Where is YOUR attention?
That's right - it's on him! Wrong. The more you keep your focus on him, the more he will turn away from you. How do you stop? By redirecting all your time and energy back to yourself.
Modern Siren Miss-Me Move #3: Stay Open
Have you ever been mad at a man for ignoring you, and then when he tries to get close again you give him the cold shoulder? How dare he think he can just waltz right back into your arms!
Yet the most powerful thing you can do in such a moment is to receive him and melt right into him. This might be the most challenging move, but it's so worth it.
(***It's important to understand that in no way am I saying that you should let a man in when he is abusive toward you. As a former crisis counselor, I do not condone any sort of behavior that puts you at risk. If this is happening to you, please get help as soon as you can.)
Feel Completely Secure In His Love
I know "undoing" what doesn't work can seem impossible. It did to me at first. When my husband became distant and disinterested, I wanted to scream. I wanted to fix it. I felt that unbearable urge to make things better.
But I knew. I knew that every time I gave into that urge, it never got me what I wanted. Every time I tried to reach out and bridge the gap, the distance got wider and wider - until it felt like my husband was a million miles away from me, even though we were in the same room.
It took me a long time to figure things out, and to replace my negative habits with new ways of being that drew my husband to me - without my even having to THINK about it. But once I "got" it - everything fell into place. Love wasn't hard work anymore - it was just something that happened to me, day after day.